For those who experienced the same. And for all women who sometimes forget to trust in the magic and strenght of their bodies.
June 29 2017
Yesterday I got to know that the little baby in my belly is dead. I was in week 12+1 when I got to know that she (yes, I believe it was a she) has only the size of a six week old fetus.
I was shocked when I got to know the news.
Not so much because of the fact that the baby is dead, but mainly because I felt SO sure about my pregnancy. Like I had NO doubt that everything was all right and that the little one in my belly will become our second perfect little daughter.
When I found out that I was wrong my world collapsed.
While my husband and I went on our walk home from the doctor, both with watering eyes, we met a woman that is working in our favorite coffee shop and that we know a little. As one could tell from what we looked like that we are not in a perfect mood, we told her what happened. Immediately she shared the story of a friend of her who experienced the exact same thing and she said she knows so many women who went through this sad situation.
At home I did a little research and found out that every fifth pregnancy is ending in a missed abortion before week 12 and even more pregnancies end before week 5 (so that you basically do not even know that you have been pregnant because it looks and feels like a normal period).
However, even though SO many women experience the loss of a not yet born baby, almost no one ever talks about it.
This is why I decided to share my story here. I lost a baby girl. I loved her and believed in her even though I only carried her in my belly for 13 weeks. I want to take you with me on this little journey of sorrow, helplessness, and hope.
Today I had to decide if I want to have curettage (womb scrape) or if I want to have a “small birth” as they call it; a natural “birth“ of a only 1cm small fetus.
The baby in my belly may be dead since 5 weeks already, maybe it has only been 3 weeks, maybe even 6. No one can say exactly. So far my body did not react to it. I still felt pregnant the entire last month with all the usual symptoms. I guess this was mainly because I deeply believed in my daughter’s life so I was not able to allow her to let go and to leave my belly. Yesterday when I got to know the news, all I hoped for was that I will be able to let her go naturally. I do not want any doctor to scratch her out of my womb (which is also risky as the uterus can be damaged easily)!
So I talked to my little dead baby and to myself and not even 24 hours after I got to know about her death, I started bleeding. Only a little so far but I am hopeful that things will now continue naturally.
Yesterday morning I still felt 100% pregnant and there was no sign of a miscarriage. Then I got to know the news and immediately my body started reacting to it and it does now seem to let go.
I am amazed about HOW STRONG my emotions are and how they completely seem to control if the baby is staying in my womb or not.
Let’s see how things continue.
July 2nd 2017
Things suddenly went really fast!
It was Wednesday afternoon 3pm that I got to know that my baby was dead. I cried, called my husband, he picked me up, we walked home and talked about everything for hours. We decided that I want to let go of this baby naturally, no hospital, no surgery, just us and the baby.
So the baby was dead inside my body for around 5 weeks already and there was no sign that it wanted to get out of there. Then I got to know that it was dead, I decided that I want to let it go naturally, and exactly 24 hours after getting to know that it is no longer alive, I started bleeding.
Not even 48 hours later, nothing was left in my womb.
The night between Thursday and Friday was probably the most intense night of my life. I started feeling abdominal pains towards Thursday evening and went to bed early. I had a hard time falling asleep as the pain was pretty intense. It felt like light labor pains. I finally managed to fall asleep but woke up just an hour later with intense pain in my lower abdomen and went to the bathroom to check the amount of blood coming out.
On my way back I had labor pains to an extent that I fainted.
My husband carried me back to bed and made me wake up again. That was around 2am in the morning. From 2am to 5am I was in intense labor pains and bleed profusely. At 5am finally, I was able to fall asleep and slept until 7am.
When I woke up at 7am I was all good. The labor pain was gone and just a “normal” period-like pain was left.
During the entire night and through all the pain, all I thought was that I am beyond grateful for my body to work that wonderfully.
Even now, I am sad about my loss, yes, very sad and my husband and I we cry every day. But the predominant feeling is a feeling of gratitude. Gratitude for my perfect body. It may sound weird but that’s what I feel.
In a few days I will meet my midwife and talk with her about everything that happened. I am looking to it! Talking about what happened and not making a secret out of it helped us SO MUCH in the past few days.
The more we talk about it, the more it becomes just a part of our life, a part of our story.
It is nothing we have to feel ashamed about and nothing I have to feel guilty about. It is something that happens to 20% of all pregnancies.
This does not make it less sad, not at all, but it makes it so much easier to cope with it!
July 22nd 2017
It has been three weeks now.
I met my midwife a week after the “little birth” that I gave. She was just so wonderful. I highly recommend every woman who is ever experiencing a miscarriage, to get a midwife. In Germany your health care will pay for a midwife up to 12 weeks after the missed abortion. Make sure to advantage of it!
My midwife comforted me a lot, especially as she told me that I did everything the right way by just waiting at staying at home with my husband in my “secure space”.
She also told me that a lot of women are send to the hospital for curettage early in pregnancy, for example, when the doctor cannot find the heart of the little baby beating. It is very possible that many of these babies that are then scraped out of the wombs of their mothers could have lived if the doctors would just be a little less fast in their statements.
That was so sad to hear!
Many women go to the hospital for curettage like the moment the baby is told death and this is actually much more risky for a women than to leave the baby inside the belly. For the womb it can be dangerous when one is scraped out, whereas there is basically no risk when leaving the baby inside the belly. My midwife even told me that when the dead baby is not “born” naturally, the body is able to just absorb it. Isn’t that crazy?
Anyway, I felt really good after talking to my midwife and I am feeling very good now. I am grateful for not having gone to the hospital where they would probably have driven me crazy (I know a few women who went through this…) and would have scraped my womb out.
I am so grateful for having experienced “giving birth” to my dead baby. At home. Where I feel safe.
Today, I even got my period again! So everything seems to be totally back to normal.
I am still very sad about my loss and I will probably be forever.
But I am also moving on, being optimistic and grateful for all I’ve got.
As women, we should finally re-learn to trust in our bodies. They know what is best for us. They know when it is time to let a baby die or live. For some reason that baby could not stay and whatever the reason is, I respect that. I am grateful that my body reacted to the fact that that baby could not have lived a healthy and happy life.
Since my miscarriage, I trust in my body as I never did before.
Trust in your bodies! Believe in them!
July 28 2017
It has been a month now. Sometimes I feel like it has been yesterday. Sometimes I feel like it has been forever since I lost that so much loved baby.
Since my missed abortion I talked with many women who experienced the same. I realized that I was the only one who was able to give natural birth to the dead baby, at home, in my secure space, with noone except my husband holding my hand and being close to me. Many of the women I talked to, told me that they were not treated with compassion in the hospital and that they were crying during their entire stay; not just because of their loss, but because of the way they were treated. Not as women but as objects. One woman who had curettage in the hospital told me that she was not even told that there is an option of letting go of the dead baby naturally and she felt like „someone took my baby away from me“ after leaving the hospital.
When listening to those stories of other women, I feel even more grateful. Grateful for that I was able to feel my emotional pain physically while „giving birth“. Grateful for not having this feeling of „someone took something from me“ but rather a feeling of „my body realized it didn’t work and he reacted to it“. Grateful for having been able to say goodbye to my baby in the process of giving birth. Grateful for being able to trust in my body.
On the other side, I feel extremely sad. Sad about the way women with missed abortion are treated by doctors. They are not told to trust in their magical bodies or that everything will be okay. Instead they are send to hospital as if they were sick. As if a baby is something dangerous.
So again I want to emphasize that we women must learn to trust in our bodies. They know what is best for us. Let’s treat them well and they well do all the work.
Believe in yourself and believe that everything happens for reason. Be grateful, even though sometimes it is hard. Do not let anyone else take something away from you. Trust.